This has been a tough week.
Let me rephrase – This has been a downright gut-wrenching week.
A friend, someone I have known more than 15 years, passed away on Wednesday. Kim spent the last five years battling cancer. Late last fall, she decided to stop treatments when doctors told her the only options she had left meant more testing to see if she qualified for experimental programs.
Kim decided to spend her remaining time celebrating her nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays, spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with family, and travelling to visit others as she was able.
She chose to use her final months to live rather than fear dying.
WALKING THROUGH MY FRIEND’S JOURNEY
This isn’t about death or grieving. This post is about living.
As I’ve read through messages posted on Kim’s social media pages and the Caring Bridge site where she shared her journey, one thing stands out. Everyone shared how Kim’s positive attitude, sense of humor, and most especially, her faith continued to shine even when things got bad.
Yes, Kim definitely had bad days. There were painful days. And there were questions, fears, and complaints.
But she savored opportunities to share her faith and to make memories. Kim continued to teach political science courses at Concordia University in Milwaukee. She traveled to visit family and friends. And she came home as much as she could for special events.
Through her journey, Kim chose to live each day as best she could.
In the midst of facing death, she taught the rest of us how to live.
LESSONS I LEARNED FROM KIM
As I’ve thought about the last few years, seeing Kim and her family go through this journey, they probably don’t know how much I’ve learned from their example.
1. Don’t stop learning
When Kim started her doctoral program, she didn’t imagine her biggest challenge would be facing Stage 4 breast cancer at 33 years old. But even up until the last few months when she decided to end treatment, she continued to teach as much as her physical condition allowed. She still worked on finishing her doctoral dissertation. She wanted to keep learning. But more importantly, she wanted her students to learn to love learning.
Take time to learn something new every day. Learning doesn’t have to be in a formal classroom. You learn by observing, by talking to others, and by allowing your creative self to explore new ideas. Whether you read a book about a new topic, or have a conversation with someone from a different background, you have unlimited opportunities to ask questions and be open to new ideas.
2. Figure out what matters most
Upon her original diagnosis, Kim had countless questions about treatments, checking on insurance coverage, planning for other professors to cover her classes, and dealing with the emotional upheaval. Once the dust settled, so to speak, she concentrated on what mattered most to her. Family, her students, and her faith.
Too often we wait until something forces us into realizing what truly matters. It’s easy to get caught up in our day-to-day lives and forget to reflect on what would happen if the day-to-day suddenly changed. Thankfully, this wasn’t Kim. She always lived her life with gusto. But after her diagnosis, she doubled-down on her efforts to bring joy to others, even in her own struggles.
Take time to figure out what’s most important to you. And find ways to spend time with those people and doing those things. Don’t wait until you’re forced into deciding what matters.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
During different stages of her illness, Kim had to ask for help from others. As a naturally independent person, this wasn’t always easy for her. But she knew she’d need rides to and from chemo. She needed help getting meals as she didn’t have the strength to cook or go pick up something. She had to have her parents or other relatives come stay with her during surgeries because she couldn’t stay alone while recovering.
As someone who’s always been pretty stubborn about doing things my way, this lesson is something I’ve had to learn as well. Due to my own medical issues (thankfully, nothing like what Kim went through), I lost most of the vision in one eye. I am only allowed to drive short distances during the day. I’ve had to learn to ask friends when I need help getting around. I still hate asking, mostly because it bothers me that I can’t hop in my car and go run an errand whenever I want. But, I am grateful to the few people who have shown repeatedly that asking for their help isn’t a bother. They genuinely want to help.
So when you’re in need of someone else to support you, whether it’s for something like rides or meals when you’re sick, or just someone to talk to when you need advice, don’t hesitate to reach out. Asking for help isn’t weakness. It just means you expand your circle of who’s truly important to you.
4. You can’t control the situation, but you can control how you react.
I’m not one who agrees with the idea that you can “choose to be happy.” Happiness is an involuntary response. However, you can choose how you react to a situation. Kim couldn’t control whether or not she got cancer. And she certainly didn’t choose to be happy about having cancer. But she did choose to react in a way that expressed her faith and hope.
While there were difficult days, even times she was angry, Kim chose to react to her illness as a chance to witness to others about her hope in God’s love and promises. Her motto through it all was “God is good. All the time.” In the midst of feeling sick, going through multiple types of treatments, and eventually the realization that she would die soon, she kept her focus on her faith rather than her fear.
While we all face challenges, often times because of things we can’t control, we have the choice of how we react. We can react in anger and fear. Or we can react with an attitude of moving forward and trying to use the situation as something positive. This isn’t easy, I know. My natural instinct is to hold a grudge or blame someone else. But when you can’t control a situation, choosing how you react makes a big difference in how you ultimately come through that situation.
For Kim, her journey is complete. She lived her life in a way that left a lasting impact on others – from her family and friends, to her students, to her colleagues. We will remember her as a smart woman who also loved to laugh and be silly. She loved her family. And she lived her faith daily.
2 Timothy 4:7 (NIV)
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Little did she know that those qualities shone brightest during her darkest times.
How do you want to be remembered?
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